It’s been awhile

Surprisingly, I go all these emails asking me why I was M.I.A.–as if I wasn’t already a narcissist!

So where the fuck was I?

I may sound kinda of crazy, but I was locked in a room with 8 girls for about 10 days.  I was forced to wear high heels and make-up.  I was only allowed to eat salad and drink water. Reading material consisted of mostly gossip magazines with one of the Kardashian girls always on the cover. The only think that kept me going was coffee at 3pm from Dunkin Donuts.

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Lazy, Cheap, and Discouraged

This picture should have been taken today.  Me with my coffee getting ready to take Hilaria’s yoga class at Yoga Vida–but sadly no.

I had everything ready, yoga mat strapped to my back and my Kmart sneakers on heading to the subway.  But when I couldn’t find my unlimited Metro card, I got all cheap and said “fuck it, I’m not paying $2 to get on the subway to head to yoga.”

So instead I went to Chase to deposit some checks and get a complimentary coffee and sucker.  This turned out to be a 30 minute meeting with a financial adviser who made me more disillusioned about the idea of marriage.  I feel like I should take his advise and forgo a wedding and buy something that will be worth more in the end…like quality stocks.

It’s not really about Mila Kunis

It’s never a surprise when I see pictures of Mila Kunis double fisting 2 coffees.

When I do it, shit goes to hell.   The other day I tried drinking two ice coffees and my throat clenched up.  I  dribbled all over myself, pretty much looking like a half-asian with down-syndrome (most days I just look like a retard).

What happened to my swallowing capabilities??  I can only think of a few ways to exercise my pharynx?  No. I lied–just one way. But it usually involves spitting.

Would you like to sit down?

I hate giving up my seat on the subway.  I usually have my earphones on or my head in a book so the elderly or pregnant won’t guilt me to give up my seat.  I’m know I’m an ass, and decided to be a more considerate person.

So when I looked and saw my 9th Street Espresso Coffee, just hanging out on the floor—my heart melted.  Just look at the sleek logo against a black background….CHIC.  This coffee is the elite of the elite and deserves to be elevated on a pedestal!

Bitches Bitching

So the other day I went to Brooklyn to bitch with one of my best bitches over coffee. But which topics to bitch about? That being self-employed holds no benefits when tax time comes?   Apartment hunting ?  The antiquated ritual of marriage?  Working in a job that is under staffed? The negatives of having a boyfriend?  the shit weather in the city and how mother nature seems really pissed off?  Or the  New York dream of buying a $600,000 1-bdrm apartment—-in Brooklyn?

This whole experience made me realize something significant- Bitching is the new calm, calm is the new crazy, and women who are blissfully happy are psychopaths.